Parenting is so much more than a love you never knew existed 

Parenting is no doubt one of the greatest things in life to experience. Having children provides your whole body with all kinds of feels you never even knew existed, or at least never knew just how deep those feelings ran. Everyone says it once they have their first child, “I never knew I could love something so much!” And all other sentiments about the intensity in which we all love our children once they enter this world.

But with this great love, also comes incredible pain and heartache; fear and anxiety. And I don’t mean the level of when your child is acting out and you’ve just had enough of the day. I’m referring to those deep fears and the pain that we’re introduced to the first time something scary that happens to our children – from their first major fall and boo boo, to broken bones and surgeries, and beyond those acts that actually happen to our children, but the “what-ifs” and situations you never want to experience.
The first set of shots my littles got were tough – my son was actually pretty quiet about them, but hearing my daughter scream out from the shock and pain really hit me and I couldn’t help but cry. That’s when I knew I had forever changed and my brain was no longer wired the way it used to be.

Sick Wyatt cropped
My little man finally getting some rest the morning after a late night E.R. visit.

The thought of something happening to my children almost paralyzes me physically and mentally, to the point I can’t move on from the thoughts in my head. I have people in my life that have gone through battles of cancer, tragic accidents, and birth defects, all resulting in having to kiss their little one a final time. But I also know people that have gone through these same trials and come out on top,and provide hope and faith to others going through what they’ve already overcome. I couldn’t imagine having to go through this with my babies. We’ve visited the ER and Urgent Care for 104.2 temps and vomiting, and hives that turned out to be a severe allergic reaction to amoxicillin, but we haven’t experienced anything of the caliber some families have.

There’s a video circulating the internet right now (I can’t bring myself to provide the link to it) where several men came together to help two children trapped inside a vehicle that had flipped due to the rain and flooding in Myrtle Springs, TX. When I first saw the post from a friend on Facebook, I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it; it’s too much for me to handle (I never even watched the video of the two toddlers that flipped a dresser on top of themselves, resulting in one escaping and lifting the dresser off the top of his brother). For me, I never would have really cared to watch these videos pre children, but since I had children of my own, I physically and emotionally cannot bring myself to click “play.” Before children, I could hear a baby crying in a store or at a restaurant, and it bother me just a little, hoping that the little one was being cared for properly and that the cry wasn’t the result of a deeper problem, then move on to my original thoughts. But since I’ve had my own children, my heart and body ache when I hear those same sounds that once only made me think for a second. Motherhood has affected me immensely.

The video of the upside down vehicle and the baby and toddler being rescued is a video I was avoiding. Scrolling fast down my Facebook news feed if I saw it. However, The Weather Channel app on my iPhone played the video automatically when I went to check the weather for my area…

I couldn’t help but watch, but I wasn’t about to click on it so I could hear any sound. Watching the water rush past the vehicle and the men carrying the littlest one through it all brought tears to my eyes; then the view of the older child not moving in her carseat on the bank of the water was too much. From here, my mind started to wander to the “what-ifs” of my own children, the exact thing I was trying to avoid. The thought of my very own children being in a situation such as this is so unthinkable and unbearable, and something that I really do fear and pray will never happen and be a part of our story.

I’m not delusional; I know things will happen to my children as life goes on. Don’t think I’m sitting here, writing this post, thinking that I can just avoid a video to never worry about my own children. Because I’m not. I’m just a momma telling you how much motherhood has changed her and how hard it is on different levels than my kids not liking green beans or their inability to not throw a tantrum at the most inopportune times. There are so many other situations that could occur that show just how petty we can be sometimes.

I’m also a momma telling you how difficult it is for me to comprehend how our society immediately whips out their cell phones to record every single moment – putting certain actions and situations front and center of our news feeds, that may or may not be appropriate. How appropriate is it that an individual recorded every moment of what could have potentially been the last moments of these innocent littles? How appropriate is it that this family now has to share with the world the horrific experience they are never going to be able to forget? I honestly don’t know, so I’m legitimately asking the question.

In addition, how appropriate is it that this stranger recorded someone else’s children without their consent? Surely, before any of the legitimate news sources shared this video on their own news feeds, they received consent and permission to share it. Right? Or are we at a point in society where because technology is at our fingertips that everyone’s privacy goes out the window, including that of our children?

Maybe this family has received, and will continue to receive, an incredible amount of support from the world now that the video has gone viral. Who knows. But I can’t imagine knowing that there is a video of such a terrifying experience circulating the internet for anyone and everyone to view at any time.

Kennedys booboo
Baby girl after her first booboo on Easter weekend.

Parenting is such a sensitive topic, believe it or not, and there are all sorts of opinions and feelings that encompass it. No one truly can say how they would react in a situation of fear for their child – getting shots at the doctor, getting stitches for the first time, a missing child, what have you. And, in a way, this is also where my fear for something my children may have to deal with and experience worries me. Will I be strong enough to be a good example for my babies? Will I be able to be the rock that they need? Do I even need to worry this much about it?

I keep it no secret that I suffered from postpartum depression. I briefly touched on the subject here. With this being said, I’m not sure if my fears for my children are a result of this experience, or if all mothers have this same level of pain and worry about a disaster happening to their children; maybe it’s just me.

Maybe I have incredible anxiety that has gone undiagnosed… or not. The only way to know is to talk about it, and wait for the responses.

Are you a fearful mother? Can you stomach watching internet videos documenting very personal experiences and tragic events that involve children? What is your gut reaction when you hear a baby upset in public?

Leave me some love below, and let’s hopefully make each other know that we aren’t alone in this!

Much love to my fellow fiascos!!

3 thoughts on “Parenting is so much more than a love you never knew existed 

  1. I cant bring myself to click play on that video either. Just seeing it while scrolling through Facebook feels like a punch to the gut. Thinking about something happening to my babies puts me in a paralyzing state.

  2. I can’t even begin to tell you how accurate this post is for my life! Mine all started when I was 32 weeks pregnant and we found out that our boy was way smaller than he was supposed to be. I had 5 weeks of terror, full of specialists that couldn’t tell me what to expect when he was born, followed by a traumatizing delivery of my 3lb baby and a 10 day NICU stay which felt like an eternity. Fast forward through months of sleepless nights fearing SIDS, double hernia surgery, bronchoscopies, ER visits, and countless other circumstances, I am still here almost 2 years later fearing for my child’s life every single day. Worrying about all the what ifs that he could encounter for the rest of his life! Thank you for posting the truth about being a mom. I now know that it’s not just me.

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